


To Have It All

by marki_pendragon



Series: A Tank of Fish [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: College Life, Drama, I'm Bad At Summaries, M/M, Ratings might go up, Romance, Set after s02e11, Tachibana/Sousuke Friendship, edit tags as I go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-18 09:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2343314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marki_pendragon/pseuds/marki_pendragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If this was the dream that Haru made, that Haru struggled to find, then Makoto will let him have it. Even if it means not being part of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Have It All

**Author's Note:**

> Following the events from episode 11. Supposedly set after their Nationals tournament.  
> First Free! fanfic, so bare with me hehe. Tags explain things.

Everything was a blur at that moment. The only thing clear to him was the sky. He only looks at the sky, after all.

 People were cheering. Friends were shouting from their benches. People he hadn't met before were congratulating him and his teammates. The younger member of the team embraced him, yelling something that seemed muffled to his ears. Photographers queued in front of them, and immediately the camera flashes went off, one after another. Almost like a display of fireworks.

 A display of fireworks that Makoto didn't want to be reminded of.

 As the hype died down and the stadium slowly emptied, Makoto snuck away. Since Gou was busy exclaiming how proud she was, and Amakata-sensei was rattling off any quotation she could remember to express her pride, no one noticed. At least, Makoto hoped no one noticed.

 This is the kind of person he was. Not one for loud jubilations, but a person who celebrates in silent victory. He found a quiet hallway with a bench next to one lonely vending machine. As he sat down, he could feel his legs still trembling. His breathing, heavy. He placed a cold hand on his heart and felt two things. The first was his heartbeat that was only getting louder and more restless for the past hour. The other thing he felt was a cold metallic object that rested on his chest, tied with a ribbon around his neck.

 Makoto held and peered at the medal. It felt so foreign to be weighing down his neck, for a second, he believed the thing to be merely an illusion of his heart’s desire. It was impossible for him ever to obtain it. Yet, there it was. Physical. Its smoothness on Makoto’s hand.

 It shined in the sunlight. Its glint almost looked like the reflection of the pool outside. The pool that Makoto has no recollection of swimming in that day. He can’t remember anything except the blueness of the sky. Everything was vague after that.

 “Makoto” a voice came.

 He lifted his eyes to see the only other blueness he remembers from that day. The blueness like the ocean.

 Haru’s eyes were staring back at him, full of concern. His dark hair was still wet. How long has he been standing there? Makoto didn't know, but he wasn’t about to let Haru stand there any longer. He smiled at his best friend to show that nothing was wrong. He sought an empty hall not because he didn't feel well, but because he did. He felt happiest he has been in a while. And it wasn’t because of the object that hung from his neck.

 The back-stroke swimmer can trace his happiness back to the moment Haru showed up, after being gone for a week, just in time for the relay. Nagisa, Rei and he were nearly dying of worry hours before that. When Haru arrived, he wore an obvious smile on his face that made all worry melted away.

 “I thought you’d do this” Haru said as he sat beside Makoto.

 Makoto just chuckled. He knew what Haru meant. “Well, you know me. I’m not really good at… these happenings.”

 By ‘happenings’, he could mean winning. He didn’t really win a lot in his lifetime. When he did, it didn’t mean much to him since he never aimed to win before. Until today. Swimming, with Haru, was always different to Makoto.

No.

  By happenings, he meant-

 “Being happy” said Haru in a hushed tone. He was facing the large window to their front, attention absorbed in the view outside.

 “Yeah…”

 There wasn’t a need to continue their talk. They weren’t even facing each other. Yet, they understood each other. Even when they both found the matter of expressing oneself difficult, they knew what the other felt. Most of the time, it was Makoto who looked into Haru, trying to understand what he thought.

 In the rare moments, like now, Haru would understand Makoto.

 And Makoto hoped that the time they stop understanding each other wouldn't come too soon.

 “I’m happy… too” the blue-eyed boy broke their silence.

 Makoto sighed. His best friend was being adorable and it made him smile.

 “But you know,” Makoto began. “I’m not only happy that we won.”

 Haru looked at Makoto. His eyes were like the ocean.

 “I…” He took a deep breath before looking back at the ocean eyes. “I’m sorry about last week. When I told you all that.  About my plans. I meant to tell you sooner. I didn’t mean to shout at you.” His voice slowly died away, and his throat hurt.

  Makoto, for the first time ever, feared whatever Haru would say next. Nervousness replaced his early glee. The medal that he was admiring earlier lost its glamor. Now, it only felt like extra weight on his neck. His hands went cold again, but now, in silent torment.  It was a fear so familiar to him, like an ocean was engulfing him.

 His memory took him back through the past week.  His loneliness without his best friend. Haru was gone then. Escaped, more like. Before that was that eventful night. Their first fight in all the years of knowing each other. He has been drowning in an ocean of worry and regret since.

 The last time Makoto saw Haru was a under the flashes of festival fireworks. The last he felt of Haru was his slender wrist clenched tightly in Makoto’s grip. The last thing he heard from Haru was the last thing he wanted to hear from Haru.

  _“Do whatever you want!”_

 Is Makoto really ready for that?

 This ocean he was drowning in was only getting deeper.

 “Makoto…”

 The sky. He remembered the sky over him that was so blue and clear. Slowly, he found calmness once more.

 “Don’t be sorry. I---“

 Haru paused and trembled a bit. Anyone but Makoto wouldn’t have noticed.

 “I wasn't fair to you either. But I’m happy. I swam with my friends today.”

 Those words shoulder reassured Makoto, but for some reason, they made him more unsettled, more aware of the sudden change of emotions. He could tell Haru didn't tell him everything yet.

 Before Makoto could say any more, Haru stood. “Let’s go. They’re looking for us.”

 As the two of them walked to find the others, Haru once again broke their pregnant silence with a whisper.

“I know what I want.”

 It was so low, Makoto almost missed it. He eventually came to a halt in his steps.

 Haru stopped walking as well and looked over his shoulder at Makoto. Blue eyes of the ocean. “I’m going to have it all.” 

 That was it. The dream Haru struggled so hard to find.

 Makoto thought of how he was supposed to be happy for Haru finding a dream. Instead, he only felt dread.

 This was the moment Makoto dreaded.

 At that very moment, Makoto didn't understand Haru. He didn't know what Haru was thinking. He can’t rely on the common thinking that they usually had. ‘ _Have it all’_ was as confusing as ‘ _free_ ’; if not, more. It terrified Makoto. He looked away in shame and fear.

 He didn't know this Haru. And he didn't like his eyes.

 His eyes like the ocean.

 Makoto was only ever terrified of the ocean.  

 He only looks at the sky, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, there. This is also my first entry to A03.
> 
> I wrote this story right after watching episode 11, which basically meant I was typing this against hazy vision from teary eyes because it felt like my otp ship was sinking hehe. But I wanted to finish the rest of the chapters first before. I have the whole story plotted out. Now that the final episode is coming, I think I should post something :)
> 
> I hoped this first chapter was okay. It was supposed to be a prologue, but... meh. Tell me what you think. Reviews and constructive criticism are very much welcome. :)


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